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June 18th, 2009

i am so absolutely bored @ 12:27 am

Current Location: front room
Current Mood: high high

theres nothing to do until my sister comes home which shes on her way, so i decided i might as well post beings its been over a month. wellll, today is jeff's birthday i didnt get to see him though ;( but i called and gave him a big happy birthday over the phone and told him my new EXCITING news...im getting a dog saturday! haha yeah its a black pomeranian boy and he's two years old...i forgot to ask what his name is but i suppose ill find that out on saturday when i go to fremont and pick him up ;) im getting him off craigslist for fuckin 25 bucks its awesome. plus this weekend im gettin my 1st big check in awhile and will actually have money lol but me being addicted to ebay i already bought a whole bunch of shit i need to pay for now.. lol i suck. so yea yay for me ;) i think im done for right now though, peace

May 5th, 2009

why @ 01:58 am

do i do this to myself? i tell myself no as i do it..i tell myself it makes me ugly..i tell myself it hurts...i tell myself its sickening, but yet i do, and cannot stop. Eight years is enough.. i need help.

April 23rd, 2009

One month ago @ 10:37 pm

Current Location: living room couch
Current Mood: high high

 I posted last, so lets say there's much to write about...I'll start from the most recent and rewind from there. Today I started my new job at jimmy johns at 7.25 an hour and i really think it went well, i only worked two hours though but i busted and showed i can work and i think the manager appreciated that and everyone there is very nice..no assholes so far wich is much appreciated because im not one to keep my mouth shut easily if im bothered. I've practically been staying at jeff's 3/4 of the week the past few weeks due to me not being able to sit in one spot at home and not get bored or go crazy...i get accused for everything anymore. Chelsea's birthday was monday the 20th, otherwise known 420 of course. I missed her first rap show with her brother because i didnt have a notary slip to get in beings im under 18 although the flyer said all ages...oh well i hear she did well and that's all that matters just wish i coulda been there, i feel im not around much anymore..but i guess growing up calls for resposibilities and you cant be around all your friends all the time anymore. I did make it to her little afterparty shindig though, got kinda drunk and of course bombed out of my mind...ended up talking to some random black guy at the party for awhile which led to a more serious conversation about the situation with my sister and how we're kind of drifitng apart...he almost got me crying lol, but it was kind of nice to vent to someone even though i was fucked up and he was a complete stranger, he had a lot of good advise, so it felt nice to have someone understand where im coming from and care about it. never got his name though. After the party jess and caleb took me home back to jeff's where i passed out, woke up, made him dinner when he got home, played with the ferrets...the usual. About a week ago my grandpa had a heart attack...apparently he had a couple before also he was unaware of and had to get open-heart surgery and six bipass. Two weeks before that, Tom passed away. Who was my grandma's love/boyfriend, and my granpdpa was her ex husband, and i know she's having a really really hard time although she likes to hold her composure and keep everyone held together rather than make us worry. Not to mention the little lady my grandma was taking care of in hospice passed away also the day before tom did. Tom was only 55 and seemed to be an up-going guy, went on walks with the dogs, got up and saw us most of the time, it was a really unexpected thing, and really unfortunate for almost anyone who knew him. I've gotten a major life lesson from tom's death, and unlike other funerals and deaths ive dealt with this one has still been hitting me in the face that if it's possible to lose tom, who most of us thought was invincable from death, like my grandma also...from their previous life styles and other things, that it's possible to lose my grandma too, and i realize i never go see her i never really appreciate the things she has done for me and my sister, i did at each time just not as a whole realized WHAT she's been through to keep us sane and make us feel safe at her house. And losin my grandma i think is right next to losing someone like my mom in equal value, because i think she played my dad's role and helped keep my distance from him. I've really been wanting to actually make plans with my family and see my great grandma more who's getting really forgetful and everything.. I guess sometimes i act ignorant about life living the "nothing can happen to me or the people i love" attitude just like i always preached i don't live that way. I've always been cautious of my surroundings leading to severe trust issues and emotional problems for years and years until the last few years because i always had the world is a bad place drilled into my head, in theyre fear of something happening to me like in their lives that i was always watching and keeping my distance from people, but i think ive pretty much got things figured out after being out of my moms and growing up a bit, and i dont act that way anymore. Im a lot happier, in the run i lost a close friend due to my life changes and the distance i was keeping from people, but i suppose people change and i think we're still both doing well, which is good. I was constantly in a battle with my mom because i felt trapped, i love her but i just have too independent of an attitude to be held down so tightly, so we fought hard almost 3/4 of our time near eachother. She figured if she locked me away, nothing bad could happen to me or I couldnt go do anything to fuck my life up like she did when she was my age or less.. And I regret being so mean to her...i think i hurt her so bad at times i couldnt believe who i was. I was an evil fuck, and a bitch to almost everyone else around me too. But i always had my sister and my grandma.. theyve always been the ones id escape off with and go do something else..rant away about life and forget about things a little. Well anyway..i outta get off here, im baked. haha it was nice to get this down though, although im sure i left out 500 things i wanted to say but i cant remember.

March 16th, 2009

Where do I even start? @ 06:59 am

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: tired tired
Current Music: Q Strange

i dont remember anything much before friday, so i'll start there. I made plans early last week to go hangout with my friends jess, chelsea and amanda beings we're all finally done with masonic manor and whatnot and we havent all seen eachother as a group in like 6 months or more. So I got ready to go out that night and in the meantime Jeff came over to keep me company for a few hours and watched Family Guy. Then we got up and walked to Kum N' Go to get some pepsi and beefsticks lol. We came back, hung out awhile and then he had to go home because he works at like 2 am saturday mornings. I sat...idk but anyway Chelsea her bro n gf came and got me headed to her house and we sat up in her room roasted, talked, all that nice stuff. When her bro came back with the car Amanda called and bailed for a minute and said she forgot she promised someone she'd watch their kid or something like that so we just headed off to jess's house earlier, beforehand chelsea grabbed her new insurance card and was wavin it around and put it in her purse, we head out and chelsea was talkin to me the whole ride a lot and i was sittin back listnin when we got close to the intersection of saddlecreek and nw radial highway going through a green light i saw out if the corner of my eye a car comin quicker than anything on that side and i thought chelsea saw it but didn't and before i knew it in a second we get smacked straight in the front right end of the car and spun us back towards the way we coming from in the middle of the intersection, the guy ran a red light, and like 2 minutes before not even i was telling chelsea i had just found out it was friday the 13th and we kind of argued it for a second because she thought it was the 12th. So we were both okay it was the first accident for each of us so we were like W-T-F when we stopped spinning and everything was all quiet lol..it was crazzzy chelsea couldn't even get the key out of the egnition or turn her hazzards on, im glad we're okay, milf came and picked us up and we went back to her place and had some shots and smoke and amanda stopped in and made it nice for like 5 MIN but it was still good to see her lol. Then Milf took us home and picked us up some burger shots on the way lol, and stopped at QT to get gas and a fountain pop where of course ALL THE COPS apparently like to hang because there were like 5 back there getting drinks with me when i was pretty shit faced at the moment, but handled it like a pro just hate having to lol. Got to Chelsea's, ate our burger shots and cheese things jess ordered, smoked some bowls and watched roseann. I didn't sleep too much cause Im used to being up at night so it was wierd bein up a lot lol, then jeff got off work about 8:30 and came and picked me up, we went to his place and played with the ferrets and watched movies, took a nap on and off, he played his game..blah usual stuff, then we went back to my place and got dressed up to go out to dinner he was going to take me to Red Lobster but when we got there of course there was a half hour wait and you can't make reservations so that sucks we were both kind of excited we've never gone to a place like that and wanted to try it, so we headed to Famous Daves because niether of us had been there and he wanted to try it and we got in quick and it was BOMB and we were both happy we didn't get in haha.  TODAYYYY i woke up around 3pm or something and felt like total shit, called my cousin and mom and niether wanted to go to the show they both like the band a lot, my sister wouldn't either and jeff doesn't go crazy for DLR like my friends also, sooooo i have to really search for a way to get to their shows not by myself. Finally jeff said he'd go because i said i wouldnt be able to go and he wanted me to so we get dressed drive all the way down there at 9 after a huge detour and then dont get let in because i didnt have ID when it was an ALL AGES SHOW, and i couldnt get ahold of shawn to help me get in because i could hear them getting on stage by that time, so we had to return our tickets we just bought and go back to the car pissed off and he was upset with me and started arguing and i already felt like shit so i was super duper pissed, so i said to go see the last house on the left and we did, it was okay but the rape scene kind of ruined it i think they just focused on it too much and that bugs me, idk lol. Anyway i wrote Shawn and told him what happened just so he didn't think after me getting into slipknot i can not show up to his shows now haha, i know he wouldnt but still i feel that way i havent missed one show here, anyways..im rambling haven't been to sleep and feel like a zombie...goodnight/morning.

March 10th, 2009

We will burn your cities DOWN @ 03:45 pm

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: content content
Current Music: Slipknot

So yesterday I woke up about 2:30 pm which has become pretty routine. I got up finally and got ready straightened my hair and did my makeup. My sister came home a little later with my package I was excited it FINALLY came, it took like 2 weeks just for a necklace, oh well it's around my neck so I'm cool. So that kinda made my day getting a package lol, boyfriend came over a little after that he was going to go to the laundry mat but I told him come to my house instead so he came over and brought taco bell, the bastards didn't give us any sauce. Then we sat in bed and watched The Simpsons and Family Guy in my room while I got stoned, haha I wish he could sometimes. Then after a couple episodes of Family Guy we got bored and he was hungry again lol, so we went to Sonic and got Ice Cream, I got a bomb ass caramel sundae... mmm. He then returned me back home where I got bored within 5 minutes and took off to Wal-Mart with my sister and Vince. I wandered around, picked out some cute pink lace boyshorts, black short shorts and some braceletes. Yeauhhh, haha I joke. Then I came home and hung shit up on my walls wich needed to be done because I've been too lazy too, well I did but I did it with tape so half the crap fell back down, I used thumbtacks this time around. After all that I started getting really mad not knowing where my Labyrinth movie went I hadn't even watched it yet and it was gone I thought someone stole it but to make sure I went through all of my DVD cases to make sure it wasn't in the wrong case or something, it wasn't. But then I realized other than the one I usually use there were two DVD Players on the floor next to my tv stand and I plugged those in and checked which it just so happened to be in the second one I plugged in so I was thrilled lol. The more I listen to All Hope Is Gone I like it, the first couple times I listened to it I liked it I just didn't feel it was Slipknot, I felt that way when Volume 3 came out and grew to love it over about the next year after it released, not as much as Slipknot and Iowa thoughm but I think that All Hope is Gone is in the same pattern as I believe any cd released by them it'll probably take me some time to adjust to the new feel, I have to say I love the emotional approach on this though I can't describe how it makes me feel, it's so different it's odd... anyhow... enough of my Slipknot geeking lol, I went to bed and hit this book Jeff gave me to read months ago lol and I got like 100+ pages in I started really liking it, kept me up til about 5 am but that's nothing new. That's what I've got for today. Peace.


March 8th, 2009

I need a job..like seriously @ 09:10 pm

Cd tradepost is just taking foreverrr so I'm just going to try for bag N' Save up the street in the meantime. As for Masonic Manor I hear that Dana one of the cooks had to call one of her kids in to help because my friend Chelsea quit too I guess haha, they never called either of us they must have knew better. So yesterday I thought I was going to Hummel Park one of my favorite spots, but no one wanted to go with me because of the cold misty weather wich puts me in a great mood but of course everyone fears it...no fun. So that canceled, I;d like to get up there as much as possible and take photos and relax, have some picnincs or something up there at least before it gets closed down completely...they're really trying. So instead my boyfriend insisted I come see him haha and I agreed because I've lacked on going to see him beings I've been sick at home mostly. We went over to his old friend's Jessyln and Caleb's place where he moved out from a couple months ago..got some spare weed and took off to his place for a few hours until everyone showed up later to have some drinks, kick back and watch the UFC fight, it was my first I;d actually sat and watched, granted I wasn't really with it but I enjoyed it. That is until my boyfriend's best friend's trampy girlfriend kept trying to hit all over my boyfriend and get close and talk nonstop through the fight after people repeatedly told her to STFU, Jeff(bf) was wasted and kind of unaware about it but my god I was about to deck her in the face, so was everyone else on the couch with me but after awhile of my boyfriend being all over me and not paying her any attention she went home from being "naseaus", yeah okay. Really though SHE is actually the one who hooked us two up like last June and her boyfriend Jim was right there the whole time next to her, and on top of that she looked sad and pissed off like OMG WHY IS HE TOUCHING HIS GF AND KISSING HER??! Dumb broad...anyway enough of that nonsense. So eventually after some nice visiting once she left everyone left awhile after the fights except Jim who was too drunk too drive home so he passed out on Jeff's couch. Had some good lovin, went to sleep and woke up about 1:30 today. Jeff and I sat around and watched a movie then watched him blow things up for a couple hours on his PS3, went and saw that Bedtime Stories movie, I didn;t much care for it. It was more of a kid's only movie and I thought Adam Sandler would have made it funnier than it was. Then Jeff dropped me back here at home where I cleaned up my room finally and got together some dirty laundry to be washed and took some photos of old clothes I have that haven't been worn for Ebay sales. I posted a bulletin up on myspace first though with the contents: http://bulletins.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=bulletin.read&authorID=67483836&messageID=6367459529&MyToken=70e45e3e-bc09-43ba-b0cf-147913c804d3. Hopefully I can get some extra cash before I get a new job because spring is popping up and so are a lot of badass shows coming to the area. Well, I think that's all I have to update for..off to more cleaning and tv watching. <3



March 7th, 2009


Current Mood: relaxed relaxed
Current Music: some new shit

I kind of liked this picture until i realized my little arm tag thing was sticking out, lol damnit. I suck. Anyhow todayyy i think was pretty productive compared to how lazy ive been the past two weeks. First off i woke up out of some bizzare dream involving zombies...shocker. Ever since I can remember if I have nightmares it consists of zombies, tornadoes, or being in some kind of kidnapped position where I have to find my way out. I have no idea why this is, I should google it. Anyways, my pretend ADD kicked in, so I woke up got ready and went with my sister to get some arby's because I was having such a craving I couldn't focus on anything else lol, and then we went and picked up my check where I snuck inside the manor cafeteria ( where Ive worked the past 2 1/2 years) and found one of the older couples I actually really liked and old them I wouldnt be coming back after I got my check today and told them how nice they've been to me and whatnot..I think they agreed on my quitting haha. I plan on just not showing up tomorrow and letting them fall on their asses because these wanna be waitresses talk so much shit there and I can't wait for my phone to blow up in the morning and just shut it off, should be a nice day for them, I do kinda feel bad to be honest but sometimes people need to learn lessons. Then I headed on down to Bakers, cashed my check and paid for my phone bill at the little tobacco hut where the indian guy there obsesses over me, I hadnt been in there for about 2 months he looked like he was going to pee his pants haha. And then I came home, went on a walk (it was beautiful today) and walked down to the apt complex to tan but they were all booked for the rest of the day so I turned around and headed home listening to my music, where i realized we have SWINGSETS just right down there hill 5 minutes away, and I love swings haha. Hopefully they aren;t filled with brats all the time because there's only two lol. So after I came home I kinda loathed around, talked to some people, took some photos, smoked some pot and laughed at spongebob for a couple hours, lol. It's what I do. I was kinda upset all day about not being able to go see KMK tonight because I don't have money and it sold out anyways. But I guess they were only singing the choruses of the songs and people were leaving and stuff so that's no fun I feel a little more confident about not going and having a sucky time. That and KMK comes to Omaha like three times a year haha. I'll see them again some other time. And as for right now I'm just sitting enjoying the first THUNDERSTORM of the year that I recall having and I love it! I can;t describe how good they make me feel haha, I heard thunder and jumped up to open my shades and window so I could feel the breeze/ rain and watch the lightning. Well, that's all I've got for tonight, I'm doing pretty well on remembering to use this ;P, Night.



March 3rd, 2009

hamburgers are delicious @ 04:34 pm

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: bored bored

and i sure as hell know how to make them. Yeah, so i didn't do much of anything today but sit around. I still haven't finished that medicine either which i should have because now im most likely going to have to drink a whole bottle more. Oh well, i realized i can drink it faster if i just put a little bit in and chug it rather than a lot so i cant taste it as much, i thought itd be faster if i just did it the nastier way but apparently not. I also got fancy with it and added lemons and 7up into the mixture beings its lime based flavor. Im watching oceans 12 and waiting for my sister to arrive with more lemons so i can smash on the remaining nasty shit. I quit my job of almost 3 years (masonic manor) yesterday over some absolute bullshit...they fired my boss who happened to be a close friend behind her back while she was on vacation, they keep trying to upgrade the kitchen there and its all rediculous. I only have been working weekend there lately the past month or two because they cut back all the shifts there have been so many changes, so i decided i wasnt going to stick around it was just a hassle for me anyways and the money was definitley not worth it, i think she was pleased i decided to leave after that. Speaking of jobs im pretty much hired at cd tradepost they told me, the manager liked me a lot and said by him i have the job in my hands but they need more references to call now? wtf...they need to stop dicking me around they already had me come in and work and liked my style but they still want to give me the run around...oh well, i guess ill do what they say because i do need the job. Ive been slacking on updating my myspace page, i just dont feel like dealing with it so ive let it sit how it is for the past couple weeks...maybe ill get around to it. Im a complete freak of the night im up all hours and thats when i feel mos productive but i unfortunatley dont have the laptop at night because it isnt mine, and the owner likes to listen to music off it in order to sleep...so yeah. The snow in Nebraska needs to fucking melt as well...nothing like snow in march can make a person ont want to do a goddamn thing but sit inside, smoke pot and watch movies all day. Welcome to my life...im going to go do just that. Peace.



March 2nd, 2009

It has been over a year... @ 05:27 pm

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: sick sick

since my last post, so i suppose ill start this all over again and HOPEFULLY keep up with it. Which i think i just might. As of right now I got back from the hospital this morning and have found out im a gross human being, haha, no but really I'll spare you the details. However, this shit i have to drink in order to get better is DISGUSTING and theres 10 OZ of it! i was supposed to have it down in 15-30 minutes but i just couldnt, i have about half left and it's been an hour since I started drinking it. Obviously I don't listen, what's new.

If anybody on here could tell me where I can get descent layouts that would be lovellly because I'm not familiar with livejournal, it's kind of confusing I believe that's why I gave up last time but I really want to keep it up this time around, I love journaling but my hand hates to write haha. Well that's all I have momentarily, just wanted to get at least one post out so I didn't feel like I was avoiding it any longer, seriously though if anyone knows non-complicated layout sites let me know please. And I'm out. <3